Polyamory: Is It Ever A Good Idea?
You can do anything in life if you can stand the consequences. Is the excitement and experimentation of polyamory worth its risks? Do people truly understand what they are doing, why they are doing it, and what the consequences are? Please know there is no-judgment here, just honest sharing and I admire humans for the courage they have to try out new things. Let's do a deep dive…
In the film Boogie Nights there is a poignant scene where the husband of a porn star finally has a psychological breakdown and shoots his wife while she’s mid-orgy in a 4’some; we all have breaking points, and the human monkeys that we currently are haven’t evolved to sustain feelings of compersion. Compersion is a prerequisite for polyamory, it’s the opposite of possessiveness and jealousy and is joy for somebody else’s positive experiences, even if it does not involve or benefit us directly. This scene reminds me of a client who came to me in deep depression because he desperately wanted to allow his wife to have a second partner. He was devastated that he could not feel compersion and believed his jealousy made him less spiritually evolved. This nonsense gets people in a matrix of horror! If this man did not let go of his misunderstandings he was going to have a heart attack!
The spiritual path is effortless and does not require force, the river does not go up the mountain it flows directly to the sea. If you don’t naturally feel compersion then don’t pretend you do, or force yourself into situations where you have to try your hardest to manufacture it! That is not evolutionary. If you’re jealous, feel the jealousy and let it pass in it’s own time without acting on the homicidal thoughts that go with it. There is a fine balance because suppressing sexual urges can also lead to illness and explosions in antisocial behavior. It’s best to use common sense and some things are best left to the imagination.
I had another client who said she would only ever be with two or more men. When I asked her why she said: “If one turns out to be a jerk or unreliable I’ll have two others to fall back on.” The fear of something going wrong was sabotaging her ability to have a deep relationship. It’s very difficult to have a deep connection when your energy is split between two or more people. She also had an absent father so grew up without a stable foundation and needed to connect those dots.
Polyamory can be abused in the age of misguided spirituality and the commodification of human sexuality. I hear de-humanizing comments such as: “why stay with one person when you can have the experience of being with many” or “being with one person is boring…no matter how ‘hot’ you get sick of them after a while”.
Brainwashed consumers we have been sold the idea that we can HAVE IT ALL…we can have our cake and eat it. Who wants to eat dinner at the same restaurant every night; even if they serve your favorite wagyu burger with truffle sauce, one day you’re gonna want to pig out on fish and chips. We gorge ourselves, literally devouring sexual partners. Inevitably over time we suffer: the suppressed emotions that we spiritually bypassed cause mental and physical illness; the STD’s arise; the relationships break down; the physical and subtle body gets confused as it bonds and merges with multiple auras and has to go through painful extrication processes.
In some cases polyamory is attractive because of the heightened sexual arousal associated with new partners and the intense orgasms that can be experienced. I will write another post on this when I discuss fetishes. I created the term ‘abusive orgasms’ because orgasms triggered by adrenaline, jealousy or negative emotions are not healthy. Even though they feel good at the time, they are violent, addictive, abusive to the soul and create negative pathways in the brain.
It’s important to know that the human physiology and psyche gets confused with multiple partners, whether we like it or not. Will we evolve to cope? This question reminds me of the scene in the film Her where a man falls in love with a computing system only later to get his heart broken when he realizes the computer is having relationships with thousands of other people. Who knows, maybe in the year 3000 or earlier we will effortlessly and naturally become like polyamorous androids, however what I’m regularly seeing in 2023 is forced polyamory; desires created by adverse childhood experiences, or hedonism masquerading as spirituality. It’s not that polyamory can’t be done consciously and safely, it's just that it rarely is. Often it’s used by those who fear commitment…a manipulation tactic to sleep around without consequence. I hear the word ‘Tantra’ thrown about by people who have no idea what it actually is! I will do another post on Tantra. I’ve spoken with quads (four people in a relationship) and even one octuplet (eight people in a relationship). They take a lot of management! So many different needs and personalities that we need multiple spreadsheets. Sometimes these units are held together because they share the same kinks so it works for them sexually, other times it’s to share household duties, parenting and resources. It’s not a bad idea however for the majority of humankind it’s far too emotionally challenging and time consuming. Good luck to all the pioneers.
In summary polyamory is not ‘bad’ or ‘good’ however it is a strain on the nervous system and it’s outcome is dependent on the level of consciousness from which it is practiced. Polyamory can be due to trauma, cause trauma, or simply be ‘for fun’ or for practical reasons. If you do want to try it out, make sure you trust and feel completely safe with the person(s) involved and educate yourself about the emotional and physical risks.
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